How do deal with lame, would be venue types

This seems an all too common example of what our team has to go though to get people to think about screening bike porn

from an operative in Southern California:

I explained to him that it's a series of films rated from X to R to PG and that you're not in all of them (if any).

He then asked if there was homosexuality and I said, "Probably, but not every short film...it's a collection from a bunch of people and the only thing in common is the theme bike porn. It's not just sex, it's more exploration and freedom. You heard of critical mass? [He hadn't] and I said, "1,000s of people naked on bikes, to be free, have fun? [Nothing from him]. Well, it's not all straight."

Ted: "Oh, I thought it was like a fetish film"

Me: "I guess, kind of, but not entirely..It's on its third year, but I'm not sure. It's not bad, it's fun, a good time with nudity."

Ted: "Is there going to be intercourse?"

Me: "Probably, but that's not the focus of it, well not the last bike porn tour. I watched close to 2 hours of it, it was good. Not all sex, but it'll be there."

Ted: "Oh, how are we going to make money? You understand my reservations, when you use the word "porn"..

Blah, blah, blah, whatever [more excuses about why he just got all sketchy over sex]...I lost interest at this point and just alpha stared him into what I hope was a calm submissive mindset. He was pretty amped up so I gave him the "it's no big deal we-don't-need-you-suckah secret vibe b/c if you're going to be an uptight muthereffin prick Phil won't want to share it with you and we don't need you...others in other cities wanted this show w/ a dash of we're all sitting at the cool kid cafeteria table and I'm about to exclude you permanently if you don't chill"

Kudos secret operative. Keep up the fight. Remember everyone, whether you are dealing with existing cinema or you are creating a theaters from scratch, its a pain. It takes longer than you expect, and some shit will go wrong. Thats why we have this helpful guide to hosting a Bike Porn screening.

Read more »

Touring Porn Stars Need Your Help

ZOWIE! Only Two weeks until we head off on the next great bike porn adventure,

THE BACKLASH TOUR

Did we mention we are setting up 50 shows in 100 days? Not like "one hundred days from now we have to start working on this." No we have to play a show ever other night for 3 months. Who on earth will be willing to join us?

Moreover just booking all these shows is pretty insane. Seriously, touring musical bands have nothing on us. Bands probably have more equipment, but for every new filmmaker that is born there is a theater that dies, or at least it feels that way. And while almost any home can be converted into a space where a few dozen people stand and bop their heads... there are just not many micotheaters out there.

Since we are busting our collective reproductive organs to bring you the greatest collection of sexually charged bicycle video the world has ever known we figured it would be nice for you to help us find the right place to show Bike Porn.

So if you want the Bike Porn Tour to come to your town here are the questions we'd like you to consider

• Do you have any contacts at the various college/universities? Student clubs can request funds, pay us directly (in the biz they call it a "guarantee") and have a theater space set up with the A/V dialed in! Choice!
• How many seats do they have? What is their seating capacity? (For example, a music venues usually don't have more than a couple dozen chairs)
• What are the audience's distractions while watching a 90min movie? Light and noise pollution should be considered. Some places have live music in the adjacent room, or at a club next door, for example. It doesn't have to be absolutely dark and quiet, but make sure you have made those considerations.
• Do they have speakers, amps, a receiver, projector and cables in the room or will we have to set that up? We carry some of this equipment but setting up can be a challenge. FYI we usually use a miniDV deck with composite RCA (yellow, red, white) cables.
• Does the venue have an stage area in front of the screen that we can use for the live performances? There is singing and dancing and you will love it!
  
• How committed is the venue to bikes and sex? How about their patrons? Would they be willing to send out an announcement to help pimp it?
• What costs are there? Rental? Split? Donation? How will we collect funds?
• After the show where can we crash? There are usually 3-6 sexy bikers who need to sleep sometimes. Help us avoid dying in a flaming auto collision. We aren't some touring band ya know. (nothing against touring bands who want to die in a flaming car wreck, its just not our scene)
  

If you have thought of all that and want us to come to your city email bikesmut@gmail.com and let us know you got this. Eventually we will ask you to have this info:

• Date
• Venue Name
• Venue Address
• Time
• Cost of Admission
• Age Restriction (+18? +21?)
• Additional Info (e.g. "bike ride to venue leaving from X-place at Y-time")

When you complete this kit and confirm with us we will send you a flier of your very own! Tell all your friends! Be the 1st kid on your block to host Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound. Get your parents permission... it's fun to watch their expression!



Okay that should cover it. We are very grateful for your help. You can now see why we need great people in every city we play.

Read more »

California, we are coming for you!

Who Put the Porn in California?

You did! Just like with Ed McMahon's sweepstakes you may already be a winner of bike porn at a theater near you.

At the moment our offices are working overtime to schedule a California tour of The Pornography of the Bicycle. Do you know venue that should to host it?

Ask yourself these questions:

• Do you envision yourself flying down a hill, carving up scenery?
• Do you feel attacked by others due to your "perverted" biking behavior?
• Do you yearn to hold a smooth, tapered steel seat tube?
• Do you wake up with a hole in your heart the size of a bottom bracket?

Than you are an ideal candidate to help make Bike Porn a reality in California.

The tour spans 2 weeks from approx December 23rd to Jan 6th

Do you have what it takes? email our offices today!

revphil [at] gmail [dawt] com

If you are still not convinced try watching our trailer for the last Bike Porn Tour

Read more »

The Bike Porn Conspiracy of Olympia

Most of my friends seem to be into conspiracy theories. It could be a result of a history drug use or it may be that they are the only ones paying attention, or both.

Regardless, I dont normally pay them much heed. But the saga of Olympia has caused me more fits than a tailor before a big gay wedding.

The venues:

• Capital Theater
  
• Manium Collective
• Le Voyeur
• The Mark Olympia
• The Black Front Gallery
• The Red Room
• Midnight Sun
• Brotherhood Lounge
• Evergreen State College
• Puget Sound Community College

With all these venues (and a few others I can't remember) we have not been able to secure a location in Olympia despide have ex locals help me out. sigh. perhaps we will just broadcast it against the side of the building.

Speaking of Manium, they have been writing me about how the city has been treating them unfairly. Sending Police around to remind them that they are not legaly able to have shows? Sounds silly (if not unconstutional) to me. There was a mess of other points they bring up in an email I got from the Manium folks saying that the City of Olympia has:

• continually miscalculated their occupancy. At one point the city said Manium's occupancy was 12.
• demanded Manium rebuild the stage so large that it took up 75% of the room.
• done a bunch of other crap that I dont want to get into.
  

I myself have seen in Portland a similar process whereby the Govenment uses Fire Code to try and squash upstart business. But that is my own conspiracy theory.

Read more »