Bike Smut 5: SPEED trailer, finally!

This was enough work that we feel it deserves its own post, so just in case you missed it here is the seizure inducing promotional trailer for Bike Smut 5: SPEED



go get some!

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Flogging Bloggin

Back in the day you had to steal a half dozen bikes to get enough tubes to build your own flogger. But those days are over! Our friends at Tool Shed in Milwaukee, WI have done the leg work for you. Just look at these colorful ways to make the pneumatic slap!Of course you can still get all DIY and build your own, but if time is short and you got a whole lotta ass to beat, you could save some time and potential embarrassment (if your braiding skills are not stellar).

Whup that biker ass!

Thanks to Daniella M. Echeverria for a great inspiring image

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Gettin' Lucky with it!

Let us take measure of our good fortune:

We were still able to buy tickets to Europe the day of our travel after the airline cancelled them and sent the "you can fly on our plane" message in German.

We were able to convince the ticket lady to kick some bureaucratic ass for us and hold the flight and escort us through security checkpoint allowing us to jump onto the plane moments before the gates closed.

We were unable to get our bikes on the same plane, but because we got lost walking to our Berlin host we didn't have to drag heavy boxes all over and instead got them delivered.

We found a great place to show bike porn in Berlin, but the show was already cancelled, but we have a number of people lining up for more bike on biker action.

We now have a van and are about to start traveling all over the continent.



We are staying in a great place, with excellent hosts who have a wall of macaws.

We have been able to party with great people and will do so again!

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bike dick

Oh my!

we are told the film quality might not be all that impressive and the story might be lacking, but it looks like its got bikes and dick.

So, thats pretty exciting.

Perhaps when we do a weekend screening we will include this gem. Until then please leave your opinions about this movie below.

We labeled it 70s porn just cause. we know it was made in 1983, so, like Sideshow Bob said, "dont bother pointing that out."

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boston baked bike porn!

How much does Boston love bike porn?

So much that they demanded a 2nd midnight screening! Catch it Friday or Saturday night, April 1st and 2nd!

They demand so much of us, we bring the goods they say they want more... will there be an end to the demands of these slave driving audiences?

We blowin out New England like a overinflated tire on the surface of the sun. two midnight shows, back to back!

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We have Liftoff!

The Northern Exposure Tour has begun. We traveled 350 miles in our 1st day to deliver the goods to the Cougars of Pullman, WA who were ecstatic to play bike polo on the snow covered courts (snowlo). Fantastic crashes! No fatalities!

Our host was morning the death of a parent, so we decided to give time and solace to morn in peace. Another space opened up immediately and although there were no shortage of challenges making a theater out of a garage the audience was enthralled.

Tonight we go another 500 miles to Bozeman, MT.

put it in your mouth

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For The Love Of-

If there's one nice and indisputable thing I CAN say about Los Angeles, its this:
The Aglago house frucking RULES.
A good friend of the Bike Smut family, Bike Talk, an online radio show that airs on Saturdays at kpfk.org announced a benefit they were hosting for Kill Radio and asked if anyone might like to join forces in an attempt to throw the event above that proverbial bar of "awesomeness". Seeing as how bike porn season was budding right around the corner, there weren't a whole lotta folks ready and willing to take a trek all the way down to Portland's love-hate relationship city, LA. Not a WHOLE lotta folks- just me, Chloe. I haven't been with the BS family long and I'm sad to say I don't have as much experience in the niche of BICYCLE porn(though I am avidly working on it) but as a semi-glossy opportunity flowered forth to venture down to a city I hadn't visited since I lived there when I was about 4 years old, hook up with the good guys at Bike Talk and spread some good ol' down and dirty bicycle erotica for the very first time by myself, I thought, 'Hey, its sunny in Los Angeles, right?'
Much to my utter delight a slightly intimidating situation turned out to be quite a grand adventure. Nick at Bike Talk hooked me up with a couch to crash on at the cycling-obsessed Aglago house where I got to meet some mighty gracious strangers, not to mention they've got some of the cuddliest house pets I've had the pleasure to snuggle up with in some time(and yes, I AM talking about 4 legged animals).
The event itself was heavily supported by pretty much anyone and everyone that had an obsession for bicycles in LA. We had a bike valet stretching about half the sidewalk, Josh Haglund & Donnie Pepper provided patrons with some award-winning(as in they actually were presented with an actual award towards the end of the night) grilled cheese sandwiches, or grilled hummus for the vegan-heathens.There was some brilliant and beautiful artwork donated for silent auction along with an onslaught of buttons, bottle openers, caps, lights and other trinkets contributed by Bici Chica, Orange 20 bikes & others to appease the bicycle-loving masses. And all of this was hosted by the miraculously modest, Vlad the Retailer- a very unique, one of a kind retail space that's half kitschy treasure trove half art gallery commune. If you get a chance to happen upon the Hel/Mel intersection of LA's bicycle fetish, please give Vlad & his gang a big fat high-five from me. With everyone's combined super-powers-of-radocity we successfully raised over $400 for Kill radio. The event also did a lot to bring about attention to the political side of Los Angeles' ever progressing fight to get a spot on the road (to hear more on that front you can listen to the following week's Bike Talk radio show here). I myself got to talk with Nick on Bike Talk the day of the event.

Oh and did I mention amidst delicious grilled cheese, DJ tunes, beer, bike art, bike porn clips & video footage of bits and pieces of LA's previous bike rides courtesy the oh so astounding Chicken Leather- the oh so lovely, Telematique, put on a performance most excellent!
(videographical evidence to support these facts to be added as soon as I can get my grubby paws on it)

It was especially endearing, the city of LA, to see all these sweethearts contributing to this one night just in the name of the ever-progressing battle cyclists fight to get a spot on the road and space in our culture. I admit to being humbled but especially impressed by the amount of support bicycles have in a city so well-known for being plagued by an over-populace of cars. By the end of the night and into the following day of my departure I couldn't thank folks enough for their support not just for the event but for their love of bikes. My favourite piece of bike porn and its devotion by Bike Smut is that bicycle love is growing- and it transcends mere flashes of sexualized pictures but rather tugs at that deeper, thinking, breathing, escalating eroticism that flowers from LOVE. Specifically, ours is a pedal pushing, cycle-circling, freedom fighting love.
For the love of bikes!

(photo cred: April Lemly)

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Bike Porn in BC

Some might think that with all this plotting and scheming of cross country and international touring that we might forget our roots. That "bike porn is so post-Cascadian"

FUCK THAT!

(and not in the way that we usually mean "FUCK something we want to be sexual with")

Bike Porn learned to fly in the Pacific Northwest and we have a duty to keep our home fires burning as hot as possible. We have already found a few ways to keep em stoked in our absence. We have entered a film into the world's 2nd longest running festival of bicycle movies; we will be announcing the theme for Bike Porn 5 soon and there there is this:

BIKE PORN 4:PLAY in Victoria tonight!

Friday, January 28 ·

Camas Books and Infoshop

2590 Quadra (@ Kings)

6:30pm and 9:00

with LIVE performances from international burlesque star Miss Cherry Contrary

Standby for info about a show in Vancouver tomorrow (Saturday, Jan 29th) and Seattle next week!

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fans pimping 4 PLAY

Hey there bikesexual fans. we asked friends to make a quick video for our new program, Bike Porn 4:PLAY and you you delivered!

We will start delivering these videos every week while we are on our upcoming Northern Exposure tour!

stand by for more awesome

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Tapping the Rockies Take Two

One down, three to go. Lets do it up right!

Bike bolder in Boulder

Friday, Nov 19th

Pheonix Asylum

2510 47th St. Unit D

7:30pm, $5, adults only

with help from Burnworks and 303 Vodka

If your name is on the "Attending" list by 7pm on Thursday, you'll be on the list to get in - but you MUST show up before 7:15pm, or your spot will be given up! If you are NOT on the list by 7pm Thursday, then attendance will be first come, first serve! Come early! Doors at 7pm

Sign up now!


boulder? i hardly even knew her!

Ft Collins, you will get your chance soon enough

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BikePorn 4:PLAY Trailer

BEHOLD! You may now have some 4:PLAY

This exciting promotional trailer is brought to you by the letter poon.

If you want any more you will have to come to a screening. There are no DVDs and repeat screenings are highly unlikely. Get it while its hot!

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How to Bike Porn for people who are not into sex

Herm. We have to be careful when critiquing the astonishing lame nature of the internerds. So vast is its ability to deluge anyone not prepared for the onslaught of such craptastic data that just searching for "bike porn" could result in a nervous twitch in mild cases and closer to a grand-maul seizure in more cases.

But then there are some gems of pure brilliance. Those moments in time when one realizes that "yes, I do need a to know exactly how to disassemble my 3-speed internal hub, right now!" and you happen to stumble upon Sheldon Brown.

This list of how to shoot a standard bike porn falls in between these 2 extreemseso learn a little and twitch a little.

The Ten Commandments of Bicycle Porn:

1. Frame section shall not exceed rim section, but rim section shall not exceed twice the frame section.
2. Front and rear rim sections must be equal except on TT bikes where they must be unequal.
3. Gearing must not be lower than 39x23.
4. Carbon fibre components look good on on a metal frame, but the reverse is generally not true.
5. Titanium frames must not be painted; carbon frames must be painted (with certain exemptions for unidirectional finish).
6. Bicycles must always be photographed from the drive side, with cranks horizontal and a large gear selected.
7. Quick release skewers must be horizontal and positioned to give the impression of being blown backwards by speed.
8. Gear shifters must be vertical; saddle must be horizontal.
9. No more than 5mm of spacers may appear above or below the stem.
10. Handlebar tape must match saddle colour.

Everyone got that?

Rules being what they are, we'd say a reasonable response to this would be pointing out some reasonable pie plate porn

Great cause there is only two weeks left before the EXTENDED DEADLINE for submissions to Bike Porn 4:PLAY is exhausted. Then you will be stuck in no porn land for a long time, unless you have the internet, which since this is probably the only place this writing will ever be visable seems an absolute assurity. Still that porn will suck literally and figuratively so good luck with that.

If you are on the fence, now is the time... get on your horse and ride!

Photo credit to Officially Lucky, whom in turned ripped it off the Bike Snob, which we were hoping we wouldn't have to credit. THE HORROR!

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extensions of ourselves

"Sure sure," you say... "But what is it that you are "extending" out to people?"

Well that answer is more meta phoric than we would care to answer with specifics.



we're pretty sure this was targeted for/at the guys who actually have said "yea, it has got a hemmi"multiple times, without any sarcasm.

But yes we are exteneding ourselves, and possibly also "extending" you (or maybe "stretching"" is a more appropriate term?) because even though the deadline for Bike Porn 4:PLAY is officially May 10th, 2010 we are going to give you and extra couple weeks to actually deliver the goods.

have your finished movie in MiniDV NTSC format
with 16x9 aspect ratio
make it awesome
make it tight
make your friends proud (or confused, or disturbed, but no matter the emotion you are going for make sure you really go for it)

AND GET IT TO US BY JUNE 1st 2010

Bike Porn Industries
1035 NE Skidmore St
Portland, OR 97211


thanks to the hella sweet MNPLS artist who made this terrifying image a reality

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Call for Entries: Bike Porn 4 PLAY

THIS JUST IN, THE DEADLINE HAS BEEN EXTENDED! Just like an extra cycle we are pushing the limits... how much longer can we haul your procrastinating ass around?

Until May 31st. Then you will be too late to get on the porn bus!

Get ready for action... with your BRAIN!

This is our call for submissions to our 4th year of bikesexual content.

We want to see the human/bicycle condition represented in a new exciting way. We want to have our feelings on sexuality challenged. We want an unprecedented amount of consensual sexual energy!

Click me for improved porn resolution

We love hot people on hot bikes but that is not the totality of Bike Porn. Maybe you can reach deeper. Why are bikes sexy? Show us what happens to your body just before you ride. Show us just after! Can you visually demonstrate the tingle you get?

Or, take it from another perspective. Instead of sexing up a bike, why not create a movie about adding more bicycle to sex!

We want a variety of kinds of bikes too! In the 1st year we had soap box racers. 4 wheels, no drive train... is that even a bike?!? Since then we haven't even had a trike or unicycle. what gives??!!? Diversify already! WHERE ARE MY BUTT BOARDERS AT? There are so many different kinds of cycling... we dont care if you are commuting or recreating, racing or cruising, climbing or bombing, paved streets or bushwacking, for love or money, singlets or unitards we take it all and we want it all!

Also, where are the dudes? We have seen a lot of different people with different genitalia expressing their love of bikes, but as famed stencil artist Tiago deJerk said coming out of the show, "I loved the program so much jizzed into your popcorn when your head was turned, but where is the dick?"* (Loosely translated from Portuguese)

Strong words Mr DeJerk (self incriminating too). To be clear, we love all our bold women but it would be great to see more men inspired to create and share. Even though dudes are frequently able to drop their drawers at a moment's notice there was a lack of proud men willing to show us the goods. As one of our tour peeps sayz every time she tells some poor unsuspecting guy to take his pants off: "DEMYSTIFY THE PENIS!"

The content you submit is ideally (although not necessarily) related to the theme, "4 Play." This theme is for you, the creator, to interpret. Use any media you like although the more original the better.

Moreover any form of artwork on the theme is welcome. Most will be in the form of a totally sweet movie on Mini-DV tape shot in 16x9 cinema ratio. DVDs and VCDs will probably work fines but are more prone to errors. BUT if you are so moved by the ideas of bikes and sex that you want to say, make us a college about bikes and dicks... well we are not in any position to say no.

You have until the 10th of May to put your entry into our headquarters:

CycleBound
C/O Bike Porn Industries
1035 NE Skidmore St
Portland, Oregon 97211

Please include the following info with your submission:

• movie title
  
• year of film's completion
• director(s), or anyone who deserves props.
  
• running time
  
• movie synopsis (if you don't write something we may write something for you)
  
• What protection do you want? Some people request that a movie is never played in a particular city. Others are hoping to have everyone see the movie. Choose which licenses your work is protected by!

Selected works will be included in the ever-expanding Bike Porn Tour. In the past three years (with hundreds of screenings) no artists have had their work leaked onto any lame porn websites or anywhere else for that matter. This is an excellent opportunity to share your vision with the hungry masses in a safe setting.

The gauntlet is down. You have your walking/biking/humping orders.

Don't wait for the last minute. Make inspiring bike porn today!

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The blog post to prepare you for an important annoucemnt

This shit is big.

like someone had better fucking call Mario and Luigi big.

On Tuesday, March 9th we will release the new Bike Porn 3 Trailer.

Yes, we understand you are possibly overwhelmed at the notion. For the past 3 years we have only had one promotional trailer for each program of independently made erotic bicycle movies. But before you decide that this shit is too big to handle forcing you to abandon your home in a panic you should instead on hold on for another quick minute cause there is more important info yet to come. First we apologize for squatting on it for so long. (long time readers will note how we despise that behavior in others) We had plans to do lots of things with with this video. We wanted to chop it into smaller web sized chunks, possibly tease the audience for a while... but really it is so glorious it just needs to be seen by everyone who wont get fried for watching hot bike sex.

And actually some of you really SHOULD get fired for watching Bike Porn at work. Besides being hilarious you would might enjoy the new freedoms associated with having been "terminated for excessive bikesexuality at work" (because we all know excessive bikesexuality never inhibits performance).

Its important to note that because we don't have any DVDs out there (not only do we not sell DVDs but we also dont send screeners to theaters, meaning there are NO dvds out there). This is in order for us to:

A) protect the anonymity of the pornographers and
B) force the audience to engage BikePorn in a setting where they can talk to their peers and
C) meet sexy fucking bikers

But as if that is not exciting enough, not only will you get to see Miss Nicky Robo's how new queer eyed take on Bike Porn 3 Cycle Bound, but you will also learn: THE THEME AND DEADLINE FOR NEXT YEAR'S BIKE PORN!

Imagine! You! In your own porn! That you create! And is shared with 1000s of people in intimate screenings! And you never have to worry about it being online! So you are totally protected from your grandparents ever seeing it on youtube!

So many people have been talking about making Bike Porn for us, and of course we couldn't be happier. Its our charge to bring it to the vast horny bike audiences out there. And we do.

Now get out there and friggin flip your shit out!

TUESDAY! MARCH 9th!

CRAP!

photo credit to
http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com/2007/04/
http://cristianpenas.deviantart.com/art/The-Legend-of-Peach-87673694

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sniffing saddles, chubbing out

Sometimes folks ask us about our boundaries. What is too far? What makes the bike pornographers go, "EW! NO FUCKING WAY AM I DOING THAT!" We all have boundaries (even if we dont know it yet), and some would say that any sexual interaction with an inanimate object is perverse and unholy. We say look at saddles these days and tell us that is not holey!


We are familiar with the interest in saddle play, in fact we even documented some rather candid confessions in the past.



Truly the importance of alcohol to the porn industry cannot be overstated.

But now things are different. Saddle lickers, we would like you to take a deep breath, and try to remember what it was like before the shit storm (really more of a vaginal storm) that is about to hit our cultural landscape makes it so that you will never again have a breath air void of sweaty saddle fragrance. (uh SFW but not really)



Wow! Did you get all that? We figured it was a swingers gym, like "24 hr Fit Ass" or "Gold's Gym and Shower." But in this case more likely to be called "Sweat n Sniff".

What an interesting symbiotic relationship... a beautiful woman riding a stationary bike and a gentleman pervert (like a gentleman farmer) handsome enough that we could comfortable with him sniffing our used saddles. Making it so that the next user of the stationary bike doesn't have to spin in someone else's secretions.

There are many questions raised by the website's introductory movie. The first is a matter of practicality. Are we obligated to pay 25 euros or can we just not wash our fingers/labia for a while and get something similar?

Are people in the industry expected to keep the smell of sex on their person at all times to maintain their competitive edge?

Why are their t-shirts almost $10 more expensive than their perfume? Perhaps they are sweat free.

Somewhere down the line we end up wondering "what will they do next?" What new product will the industry wrought and how do simple bloggers take advantage of these trends? Bike Porn Industries could probably start pumping out our own line of juices. We do have interns now, after all... Is "esSEXence" trademarked?

We know its all confusing with thousands of people working full time jobs to sell us things we can get for free in a way that we never before thought possible. Even the scent of a thief is available:




Somewhere between Chub Hub, and Chubby Husbandry there is a market for a simple product that is commonly available, travels in your pocket, stays "fresh" and can be used anytime you feel a little...more...

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its got bike and its got porn, but it aint really bike porn

The painfully obvious answer will be announced next week. We hope that someone will guess it.

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An enlightened discussion of bicycle eroticism

For those of you who

A) were at the incredible screening of Cycle Bound this Friday, which included Japanese-style bondage and suspension (pics soon)

B) are interested in the content available on this website

C) consider yourself bikesexually curious

Tonight, Sunday November 1st Denver Kink Tank is hosting a discussion about these and other topics. There has also been rumor of some secret awesome submission that Denver is hoping to produce for next year's program. We're so excited we just can't hide it.

Kink Tank
Sunday, Nov 1st
Sugar Mountain
(2670 E. 13th Ave.)
7pm

Photo stolen without mercy from 45x15

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Denver is All Tied Up

BOOYA!
Due to stupid-awesome demand we present
BONUS EXTRA DOUBLE PLUS GOOD SCREENING TONIGHT!
BIKE PORN 3 @ DENVER BOUND
DENVER BOUND
721 W Bayaud Ave
9pm AND 11 pm

Denver has immediately become close to the bike pornographers' hearts which are in our torsos, but not specifically where most people actually keep their hearts. Last year we had such a spanking good time mixing it up with the folks of Kink Tank, and showing 2 shows of Bike Porn at Orange Cat Studios (which has supposedly burned down? WTF!??), that we knew we would be back.

Upon arrival our hosts took us to the first in a series of Freeschool Denver screenings of Wes Anderson movies - Bottle Rocket, one of our favorites.

This morning after a solid 18" of snowfall we found out that not only is there a girls-only allycat this weekend, but that The Denver Mallet Mafia is hosting a polo tourny, bike soccer is going on as well, and adding to the mix the Bicycle Film Festival is in town. We knew it would happen sometime but feel vastly underprepared for it. What about the intrigue? What about the drama? What about the mysterious (possibly evil) twin brother of Brent Barbor's who nearly sketched us out in Tucson last year? Will these 2 behemoths of bike culture compete for an audience? Do the mainstream viewers of bike movies feel torn? Will there be a degree of pocket book voting as the underemployed bohemian decides his or her bicycle movie entertainment solely on cost of the show?

Friday night at 9pm the battle for bicycle-film-going audiences is on. BFF's "Fun Bike Shorts" vs BP3's "Long Hard Fun"

With all these events, how are you gonna keep your bike properly restrained? If you are feeling that your bike needs to be taught a lesson (or that your bike should have a chance to get you back for dragging it through a bunch of snow and muck?), we have got you covered. Master Robert and Owen will be demonstrating some rope bondage tricks! Its gonna be a hell of a show. Dress in bike fetish wear and share your best.

• Friday October 30th
• Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound
• Denver Bound
• 721 W Bayaud Ave
• 9pm, 11pm
  
• $5, 19+

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Cycle Bound Trailer

Its been demanded and its been begged for and its been about time for us to unleash the beast that is the promotional trailer.

Our hesitation has been simple if not infuriating. This year's program has all new content that greatly expands our understanding of what was previously considered bike porn. The movies are amazing and naturally we want the trailer to be just as good. Frequently are better than their respective movies, and people go to see the movies knowing that. So we take specific shame in presenting this trailer, which, some say is great but we feel falls short on presenting the awesome bikesexual nature that is the entire program of

BIKE PORN 3
CYCLE BOUND

Try to forgive us. Or falling short of that maybe enjoy the trailers for "The Pornography of the Bicycle" or "Bikexploitation" as a point of reference.

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