we're not drawing a blank

Holy illustrious bikesexuality! All this euro tour plotting has gotten us kinda behind schedule in our internetical sharing of quality, "sustainabilabro approved" erotica.
We are scheduling BikePorn 4:PLAY in forward cascadian cities in Jan/Feb 2011 as well as US Canadian border towns in March. Ottawa we got a little something for you!

This just in (and out, and in again) Victoria screening has been scheduled for Friday, Jan 28th! We shall return to the biker's island and look forward to the multiple live, locally produced performances that are going down in conjunction with our screening! Exclamations!

We are kinda anti numerology, but we are nontheless still excited to celebrate our four hundredth and forty-fourth posting!

If anyone knows the artists please post in the comments so we can credit them.

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hot dudes on bikes

finally some gender equity in our bikesexual objectification.


http://hotdudesonbikes.com/

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Sexy Saviour Calendar

Black Friday is coming and while you can't buy a DVD of bike porn you CAN have a sexy biker calendar! The examples of strange yet enticing connection between woMan and machine(et) never seem to stop.

Presenting the Bike Saviours' "Not Safe for Work Trade" 2011 Calendar.

Apparently the calendar is a bit more racy than last year's, and inspired us to query deeper about what is going on behind the lens at Bike Saviours. To that end Heather Hoch of the Saviours, answered our questions which are left intended. Her answers are in bold.

So what is happening these days at your co-op bike shop in Tempe?

Bike Saviours is doing great! We had a really huge Tour de Fat last month which was great. Other than that, we still just teach people how to fix bikes! Ha.

Did you set out to make a more adult themed calendar? if not how did
it come to pass?

We actually were debating this year whether we wanted to make the calendar more or less sexy for 2011. We hadn't officially decided when it came time to shoot, so we kind of just let the models do whatever. The first people up were for March and they were a male and female couple, both only wearing underpants and doing some S&M stuff with wrenches and bike tubes. I guess it just snowballed from there.

Does the shop have a stance on sex, or porn? Where do these ethics stem from?

Personally, I've been in a Bike Porn film and so have some other members. But, I would say the shop has no specific stance on sex or pornography. We try to keep our views as a collective organization simple and focused on fixing bikes and teaching our neighbors. This is just a fun, optional thing we started doing last year to raise some fun(ds). I think a collective organization that empowers people with the knowledge to do things on their own attracts a lot of independent, free, and open people.

That is actually quite a stellar response. Sex exists and you liberated folks can use it as they want. So you say that new calendar is customized with information about your shop, bike holidays and events instead of boring old holidays like Columbus day. Can you give us an example of a bike holiday? (We know quite a few and yet were not consulted!?!?)

Most of the bike holidays we included are annual or monthly Tempe rides and such like "Bike to Work or School Day" in April or the Phoenix Critical Masses. We also have the Bike Summit in D.C. and some silly things like Be Bald and Free Day. All of the proceeds go directly to funding our shop, which is a 501(c)3 non-profit bicycle collective with a focus on educating people on bike maintenance and safety. Thanks for your support of our collective!"

Nice work Heather! Well we would have liked some more variety in background but we are confident we have been quoted as saying, "make bike porn where you can." Right in the middle of a bike shop seems a pretty damn good place.

Buy it direct from them at www.bikesaviours.org

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Joy of Bikesexual Parody

An alert viewer sent this in and we were so flabbergasted by its radness we wasted only a few precious moments touching ourselves before sharing it with you. Be sure to click on the image to get the full glorious in your face version.

Thank you London Mayor, Borris...

JOHNSON

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Remembering Kelsey

Bike Porn Industries solemnly mourns the passing of our of its greatest supporters and instigators.

Kelsey Rolf died in her sleep this past Sunday. 10/10/10

She was 23.

She may in fact be the first bike porn star to die. We have not been keeping perfect records, alas. The genre of "bike porn" has come to fruition via countless inspired fucking bike perverts. We can not imagine a single person who has embodied our principles more.


From the 1st moment she was seen riding the saddle of a fixed gear bike while in front of her a teen aged boy was cranking the pedals as she relentlessly flogged him, we knew she would be a force to be reckoned with. Since that moment she was able to push other's limits and challenge our brains and bodies, our wry and wit, not to mention our stamina and patience.


Besides being a hot, badass biker, she was also active protecting those without a voice. She loved animals; when in Portland she worked at doggy daycare, and just before her death was highly prized at Seattle's Exotic Veterinary. She was vegetarian or vegan most of her life but while she was proud of her choices she affirmed other's rights to make their own choices. We are reminded of Mother Mary Jones "afflicting the comfortable and comforting the afflicted."

So much more than a sexual object... she subjugated sex!





We will miss the humor, the glamor, the style, and the snark.

Services will be held this Sunday, October 17th at The Woods in the Sellwood neighborhood of Portland, Oregon.

We expect tears and cake.

Our condolences go out to her husband, Tom, of dirty surfing fame.


Donations in her name can be made to the Oregon Humane Society, or alternatively go to a place where you can buy cheap, used clothing, get something bizarre, trashy or otherwise out of context for your surroundings and send in a picture of your enjoyment for life.

She will be missed.

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Hi Ate Us

More than just a summer sabbatical for bike saddle research, we have been fully immersed in things that are often NOT bike and NOT porn!

While we are sure this will shock and awwwww many of our readers it is important to learn new skills, to diversify, and to expose yourself whenever possible

- AOTS Exclusive

just as those who helped organize what has been calculated as approx thirteen THOUSAND naked bikers riding in Portland in June have taken a break from helping perverts become more human powered, so to has Bike Porn Industries relaxed from our monumental goal of helping cyclists get laid. It is the summer time after all.

But fear not, we have more glorious expectations coming soon. With an April show in Budapest already scheduled, 2011 could be the most incredible year of bike porn ever!

But for now, yes, you should continue to ignore us

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Buff a Fello

This example of how easy a prostate exam can be is really encouraging. We all have heard the numerous health benefits from riding. Perhaps a heathy colon will be part of that?

Any amateur proctologists out there wanting to invest in some new technology?

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The blog post to prepare you for an important annoucemnt

This shit is big.

like someone had better fucking call Mario and Luigi big.

On Tuesday, March 9th we will release the new Bike Porn 3 Trailer.

Yes, we understand you are possibly overwhelmed at the notion. For the past 3 years we have only had one promotional trailer for each program of independently made erotic bicycle movies. But before you decide that this shit is too big to handle forcing you to abandon your home in a panic you should instead on hold on for another quick minute cause there is more important info yet to come. First we apologize for squatting on it for so long. (long time readers will note how we despise that behavior in others) We had plans to do lots of things with with this video. We wanted to chop it into smaller web sized chunks, possibly tease the audience for a while... but really it is so glorious it just needs to be seen by everyone who wont get fried for watching hot bike sex.

And actually some of you really SHOULD get fired for watching Bike Porn at work. Besides being hilarious you would might enjoy the new freedoms associated with having been "terminated for excessive bikesexuality at work" (because we all know excessive bikesexuality never inhibits performance).

Its important to note that because we don't have any DVDs out there (not only do we not sell DVDs but we also dont send screeners to theaters, meaning there are NO dvds out there). This is in order for us to:

A) protect the anonymity of the pornographers and
B) force the audience to engage BikePorn in a setting where they can talk to their peers and
C) meet sexy fucking bikers

But as if that is not exciting enough, not only will you get to see Miss Nicky Robo's how new queer eyed take on Bike Porn 3 Cycle Bound, but you will also learn: THE THEME AND DEADLINE FOR NEXT YEAR'S BIKE PORN!

Imagine! You! In your own porn! That you create! And is shared with 1000s of people in intimate screenings! And you never have to worry about it being online! So you are totally protected from your grandparents ever seeing it on youtube!

So many people have been talking about making Bike Porn for us, and of course we couldn't be happier. Its our charge to bring it to the vast horny bike audiences out there. And we do.

Now get out there and friggin flip your shit out!

TUESDAY! MARCH 9th!

CRAP!

photo credit to
http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com/2007/04/
http://cristianpenas.deviantart.com/art/The-Legend-of-Peach-87673694

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Touring Porn Stars Need Your Help

ZOWIE! Only Two weeks until we head off on the next great bike porn adventure,

THE BACKLASH TOUR

Did we mention we are setting up 50 shows in 100 days? Not like "one hundred days from now we have to start working on this." No we have to play a show ever other night for 3 months. Who on earth will be willing to join us?

Moreover just booking all these shows is pretty insane. Seriously, touring musical bands have nothing on us. Bands probably have more equipment, but for every new filmmaker that is born there is a theater that dies, or at least it feels that way. And while almost any home can be converted into a space where a few dozen people stand and bop their heads... there are just not many micotheaters out there.

Since we are busting our collective reproductive organs to bring you the greatest collection of sexually charged bicycle video the world has ever known we figured it would be nice for you to help us find the right place to show Bike Porn.

So if you want the Bike Porn Tour to come to your town here are the questions we'd like you to consider

• Do you have any contacts at the various college/universities? Student clubs can request funds, pay us directly (in the biz they call it a "guarantee") and have a theater space set up with the A/V dialed in! Choice!
• How many seats do they have? What is their seating capacity? (For example, a music venues usually don't have more than a couple dozen chairs)
• What are the audience's distractions while watching a 90min movie? Light and noise pollution should be considered. Some places have live music in the adjacent room, or at a club next door, for example. It doesn't have to be absolutely dark and quiet, but make sure you have made those considerations.
• Do they have speakers, amps, a receiver, projector and cables in the room or will we have to set that up? We carry some of this equipment but setting up can be a challenge. FYI we usually use a miniDV deck with composite RCA (yellow, red, white) cables.
• Does the venue have an stage area in front of the screen that we can use for the live performances? There is singing and dancing and you will love it!
  
• How committed is the venue to bikes and sex? How about their patrons? Would they be willing to send out an announcement to help pimp it?
• What costs are there? Rental? Split? Donation? How will we collect funds?
• After the show where can we crash? There are usually 3-6 sexy bikers who need to sleep sometimes. Help us avoid dying in a flaming auto collision. We aren't some touring band ya know. (nothing against touring bands who want to die in a flaming car wreck, its just not our scene)
  

If you have thought of all that and want us to come to your city email bikesmut@gmail.com and let us know you got this. Eventually we will ask you to have this info:

• Date
• Venue Name
• Venue Address
• Time
• Cost of Admission
• Age Restriction (+18? +21?)
• Additional Info (e.g. "bike ride to venue leaving from X-place at Y-time")

When you complete this kit and confirm with us we will send you a flier of your very own! Tell all your friends! Be the 1st kid on your block to host Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound. Get your parents permission... it's fun to watch their expression!



Okay that should cover it. We are very grateful for your help. You can now see why we need great people in every city we play.

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Join the Bike Porn Tour (again)

Think you have what it takes to be part of the Bike Porn Tour?

YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT SOLDIER!


Can you strike up a conversation with total strangers and pimp bikes and sex?

Can you deal with being inside a confined space for hours at a time with the same people?

Do you posses a license to drive?

Do you possess a moderate understanding of the Engrish Language and can you use that to further the Bikesexual Industry?

Can you keep your belongings organized? Can you keep your shit together? (literal and figurative interpretations apply)

Do you know shit about A/V electronics, projectors, selling merchandise, saying "no" to people, saying "yes" to people,

Do you like to pose for the camera? Can you get others to pose for you?

Can you live without making money, sleeping on floors and couches?

Do you urn to ride your bike all over the fucking place?

Can you wake up and get shit done after rocking hard all night? Every night? For 100 nights in a row? (you can't, so don't lie) We will take a few breaks, but expect to have a show most nights. If you frequently get lost and your friends are pissed at you because they spent a couple days of the vacation looking for you, this is probably the wrong tour. We have a schedule so tight we are crapping diamonds. (Thanks Ferris B.)




TO APPLY

Email and explain who you are and why the hell you want to come on this tour:
bikesmut@gmail.com

Applications are due Wednesday, February 10th at 5pm. The Backlash Tour leaves PDX on Monday, February 15th and returns no later than June 2010.

Compensation is based on performance. We will be selling everything we can to pay our way. Benefits will include: new friends, sexy fun, a big adventure, and a lifetime of memories. This is not a get rich quick scheme, but your compensation should be able to cover your costs depending on your personal budgeting.

REPEAT: This is a shit ton of fun and amazing way to see the country. This is not a very good way to make money. Most of your needs will be taken care of (housing, food, booze). After those costs are paid the most we usually have left are the blurry scarred memories... however, after the last tour we were able to privde a small bonus to our crew.

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Helping the Bikesexual Industry PART TWO

We had been warned about it for weeks, but finally the fine bike folks of the town inside a town inside of Arizona have created yet another way to look at sexy bikers every month of 2010. Only this time instead of Japanese women you can have girls AND boys!

You see, it is calendar season for bikers. Unlike other more... stuffy forms of transportation, (have you seen a train calendar?) bikers are impatient when on their time and rather relaxed otherwise. So about a month into the new year seems the perfect time for some more georgian displays of hot biker action...

And so we present you with the Bike Saviours 2010 Calendar

Click on it to get the sweet resolution

Great to see our friends, the Bike Saviours (who did a great job hosting us last year) breaking the sexy biker barrier. For a while now, we at Bike Porn Industries have tried to balance the scales by increasing the amount of male exploitation out there, but of course, we can't do it alone.

We have been told that they have a pretty exciting party planned for us when we come though Tempe on March 3rd. With images like this running through our minds, go figure, we're excited.

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Helping the Bikesexual Industry: PART ONE

Bikes and their riders have been sexy since the wheel got round, but this recent revolution of bikesexuality has much more explicit uh, flavor.

There are a lot of exciting endeavors going on out there, beyond our DIY porn festival for bikers (or DIY bike festival for sex positive people, depending on your perspective).

Behold, something you have probably already seen on another website because if you read this blog there is a good chance you also have seen them on one of these fine, upstanding internerdz:
This previously unreleased image is a special treat for you 'cause we are so manipulative and persuasive. We said, "Hey give us something fresh and new that hasn't yet been on every other bike blog" and the creator said, "Fuck you, suffer with the rest of the cheapskate internet" and we looked up at them with a single tear dripping from the corner of our massive animated eyes our lips trembling... and then we knew he was ours.

So consider yourself lucky: not every pornographer can cry on demand. Anyway, the point is that there is a calendar of beautiful Japanese women and bicycles and they both look good and if you want to have such a thing you can buy it.

Perhaps this would be a good time to consider the implications of using sexy women to sell bikes AND/OR calendars. True, this is already the second ethics-based posting in a week*, but we are confident that as long as there is titillation, you will tolerate wading out into questionable moral waters.

So the debate goes something like this... (actually it went exactly like this)

• women are exploited by these images
• women are free to exploit themselves
• women are not smart enough to know they are exploiting themselves
• American butterflies are not aware of the consequences their action will have on Japanese cyclists
• no, YOU are the IGNORANT BUTTerfly
• why don't we make our own calendar?**
• funny you should say that, I just made 12 months of my testicles on bikes

We would prefer a more enlightened conversation. But since most people who bother to post comments probably will never come back to read what anyone else said afterwards, we have come to the metaphorical equivalent of meeting someone at a bus stop and immediately jizzing on their face. "Get in, get off, and get out" has been the defacto method of internet debate for so long we seriously wonder how so many people have so many "loads" to share. Perhaps they use volume enhancing drugs (scroll down to end of linked post for sweet promotional video about how you too can get massive loads all the time). Regardless, the medium of communication is what it is, and no mater how infuriating it is to try and engage anyone who comments on youtube there is still (depreciating) value in trying.


Behold: a modern day street prostitute in Tijuana, Mexico.
Thanks Wikipedia! So how is riding a bike like selling your body for sex? Maybe that is dictated by how one rides.

It puts us in a strange position because what the hell is sexism anyway? We believe in sex, can that count as our "ism"? What about biting-the-hand-the-feeds-you-ism? We would rather not believe in that, but alas, we are well aware of it.

Take what you will from the images, but the women in the pictures seem pretty happy. If someone makes a calendar of men happily washing their bicycles we will gladly do a post about it a month after it is useful as well.

POST SCRIPT

*And still we have not released the 1st leg of the next tour. BUT JUST YOU WAIT! Seriously, it's not like you have any choice in the matter. But thanks for your patience.

**You should make your own calendar, but know that it is WAY harder than it seems, and printing is really quite expensive, and distribution is near impossible. That said, do it, make cool images and such available on others' walls, and when you are done you can say, "I did it! ... and I never want to do it again"

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Industry buffs and rebuffs some more

We have long stated that biking is sexy on its own merits. Heath, movement, freedom. It is all pretty fucking sexy without any additional fluff. But then "fluff" is what keeps the industry rolling and apparently the bike sex industry has some new players.


What we got here... hot girl in wings in the foreground, some lycra in the back. Seems like the industry standard hasn't changed much. Perhaps we should be grateful that there are any men at all (we think some of those blurs are men).





Of course on the far other side of the contingent Tea Bags on Toptubes has been dominating the world of bicycle sexual perversion for some time (we believe their blog was "instigated" on Clinton Street following the first ever screening of The Pornography of the Bicycle. A claim to fame if we ever heard of one.

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