Regular readers know our opinions about bikes and sex. In our mind they are the peanut butter and chocolate of our generation. A taste combination so pleasureful that we have been debating casting for our own version of "Willy Wanker and the Chocolate Factory"
But A recent turn of events from Denmark has made our pedal pumping seize.
According to THE INTERNET(pft) the oldest porn store in the world is liquidating its stock and closing its doors forever.
What is the dastardly thing that is the cause of this turn of events?
BIKE LANES!
According to the shop owner, it’s the effect of the recession, increasing shop rents and bicycle lanes that have influenced the company’s financial downturn the most.
This is the big one people. This is what we have been training for. This is why we have a stockpile of interns. Expect more on this story as it develops including scathingly unimportant investigative journalism and vastly overreaching summarizations.
humor - intentional or not, making people laugh makes them more comfortable uncomfortable situations more tolerable. Not all porn should be funny, but if you fail to make us want to fuck you might as well let us laugh at you. (BTW, it is ok to laugh at strange, awkward things online, they can't hear you and your opinion doesn't change what has already happened... so its ok)
sex - people are doing it. not necessarily doing it well, but it is being done regardless. And you might as well try to respect the coitus, life sustaining replicating as it is.
bike parts - we feel it is admirable to work bike parts into your movies. Wearing a bike helmet while fucking and saying you are being safe is not a bad idea. Putting a helmet on a phallus is a better idea. When the news reports that the reserved stud ended up getting Gonorrhea people will ask, "Was he wearing a helmet?" and perhaps for the first time "Was he wearing a helmet?" would be a pertinent question... only if they were talking about prophylactics. Le Sigh... location - "we are mostly all naked... sure lets do it on a top of a glass case, it could shatter at any moment" behold! The thrill of danger!
But for all these marginally valuable traits this movie still fails. Why? Well the answers you provided are all correct. Yes, they could have taken more advantage of their surroundings, yes it was repetitive, yes we have seen plumbers work a clogged drain hole with more passion, yes they might just be faking everything (not just the sex, but also being into bikes), and yes there is no joy.
But "the answer" is none of these things. In truth this movie is what most porn looks like before it is processed to make us believe that the participants are having a good/exciting/disease free (or depending on your fetish, disease ridden) time. Dubious? Check out this remix: [DID WE MAKE THE REMIX IN TIME?!? NO! But our friends in Salt Lake did!]
So what is the true death of this movie?
editing
Watching raw, unedited porn does provide some feeling of reality, but this truth at 24 frames per second* is a double edged blade. While it is exciting to see it "as it happened" it is also a little distracting. We normally would not get to see those confused looks from the stud wearing a bike helmet. We normally would not get to hear the women talking about how "good" the male on the right is. All these scenes leave the audience in a state of marginal discomfort as the performers try to keep on topic.
What does that mean for all the tolerable mainstream porn that we have have been rubbing ourselves to? Were all the participants just as vapid and divorced from real emotion? Probably.
It would be inaccurate to think that if sex is paid for that these are the typical expected results. As in all cases, CONSIDER THE AUDIENCE. If the audience is the person you are having sex with, well there is a lot of connection and feedback. But if the performers are trying to please the appetite of internet viewers... well
Making porn that has a wide market appeal (aka: the lowest common denominator) AND is not edited is a tall order.
Of course there are a lot of things wrong with this movie**, and we appreciate any brain power devoted to the cause of understanding why this movie is lame. Thanks for all your comments and blather.
This video is not inspiring, and doesn't make us want to ride bikes or have sex and therefore would probably not be included in the Bike Porn program.
The bigger question is what is wrong with most porn, which leads us to asking if maybe there is something wrong with us. Why is porn that seems so bad so popular? One answer might be that making bad porn is easy. With so much bad porn being made the standards are dropped though the floor. There might be a lot of good porn out there but how do we find the delicious sausage in the pile of turds?
Haters of porn have frequently (and with a fair amount of accuracy) said that porn is dangerous because it sets up unrealistic standards. That every woman will want to end with anal before a facial, and that men's vocabulary during sex is significantly limited. (This might be true but we're not funding any research at the moment).
But this type of movie might also fill another need. If porn sets unrealistic standards then couldn't they also set artificially low standards for sex? Perhaps there is a sort of cathartic effect, where by watching lame porn we are able to have good sex?!?
We have doubts but let's put it to a vote by comments. After watching that movie don't you think you are capable of having vastly more satisfying sex?
Next question, is this porn harder or easier to watch than this emo PSA for motorcycle helmets?
GAWD MAKE IT STOP!
* we have no intention of searching the internet to figure out exactly how many frames per second are in a typical flash internet video
** Lighting, lack of white balance, set design, acting, camera movements, props (just the helmet? no Chain Whip?, writing, repetitive motions,
you have these skills ----------------------------> Some and are hanging out in this hood ---------> Portland and are wanting this much in return ---> NOTHING!
Apparently we need you!
If that didn't get your heart pounding than continue not to enjoy.
-------- Bike Porn Industries is hiring!
Well, almost. While we do experience frequent, rapid growth we also have equally frequent rapid downsizing. But at the moment we are accepting applications for our 1st ever Intern!
Bike Porn Industries organizes a touring festival of adult-themed bicycle movies. This is our 3rd year of traveling North America, sharing a view of progressive sexuality mixed with sustainability. We are looking for an office intern to assist with preparing for the next tour.
Applicants must be available 10am-4pm for 2-3 days during the week lasting until Feb 14th, 2010. Internship begins as soon as possible.
We can be somewhat flexible with scheduling as there is a lot of work to be done and much of it can be done at anytime.
This is an unpaid internship
Tasks include: assisting with mailings, internet research, event scheduling, theater negotiations, working on promotional images, writing materials for distribution and taking part in social media marketing campaigns as well as helping with our blog: http://BikeSmut.com
Additional tasks may include: assisting with production of promotional material, setting up lights or operating recording equipment
Requirements: Please be dedicated, hardworking and LOVE DIY. We need you to be laid back with strong people skills while still being prompt and professional.
Prior experience with spreadsheets, email and other basic computing is necessary.
Photographic and video production experience are a plus, but not required.
* Location: Portland (some remote online work ok) * Compensation: A small stipend is available. * This is a part-time job. * This is an internship job * Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. * Please, no phone calls about this job! * Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
Please apply by e-mail only: bikesmut@gmail.com (cover letter and resume).
Over the past few years hardly a show has gone by that someone didn't tell us they were terribly bothered by the content. It is a source of pride that we have consistently shaken so many otherwise unmoved people.
Well it is one thing to hate on a curator when you watch 90 min of sweet bike sex when you were expecting to see just pictures of bikes (yup it happens). But what about hating on thy neighbor?
Why is gay porn twice as expensive as straight porn? We fear the day when all porn is gone from the gritty streets and the only way to get off is to log on. Don't tell us not to hate the internet! For that hate is a joy beyond measure. Our fingers are crossed that there is a nonprofit out there archiving all the best porn so that after the apocalypse when the connections are all down and all we have is an old VHS player we are still able to kick it with ease.
Aspiring entrepreneurs. Don't let this idea fall by the wayside. Start hoarding porn today and tomorrow we might still get a long. Actually we hope for many longs ideally.
Something we are seriously lacking is regular content. Like some prune juice and Metamucil Bran muffin content! To that end we have a new reoccurring feature at BikeSmut.com... but we don't have a name for it yet.
Here is the premise. 100s of hours are spent scouring the internet for bike porn. Most of it is pretty tame. But an ungodly amount of my searches end up with us reading the ignorant, annoying-as-fuck social conservative blog de jour.
"Gays are manipulating our children, keep them out of college"
"I knew he was into evil because I searched his web browser history"
"...and the serpent laid down with the bike thus I ran to my Ford Extinction and hit the A/C, cause cold blooded things hate air conditioning"
Most of them are terrible and boring, but some are just terrible. They need to be mocked bitterly. Just in time for our tour though the Southwest (yea Texass!) Ideally the annoying bloggers will be in a city we are screening at and we can motivate them to stay home and write about how terrible everything is.
Please send your title suggestions to:bikesmut@gmail.com
The winner will get a signed "Bike Porn 2" poster. This is not yet available to anyone, in fact only the few artists involved involved in their reproduction have one, and this is the 1st giveaway/bribing we have tried/lowered ourselves to so it is doubly special!
April 15th, the "softpack" deadline for Bikexploitation is upon us!
Maybe you are a sexy biker, or know of a sexy biker that you would like to exploit. Consider creating a short video on the theme, "bikexploitation".
This is the call for entries, please note: not all bike porn is taking seats up rectums! Not that we are opposed to people literally interpreting the term, "entries" but you should know that Bike porn can manifest in many forms. Consider the decisive nature of steering, or the delicate way your pom poms float in the breeze, how brutally you dominate those pedals, driving each of them further and further. There are a multitude of manners by which to derive ones sexual gratification from a bike but have you considered how many ways to deliver such gratification to your bicycle?
Sexual liberation is a right. Claim it proudly. Stand tall with us as we say, "FUCK BIKES!"
Please don't let your feelings (or orifices) get hurt, contact us if you are making something and we will try to reserve your time slot; and please be safe.
What ho! Davis has all the infrastructure to make any city jealous (except some form of mass transit that connects with an elevator that takes one to the top of a hill in an old growth forest just outside an urban center... but other than that its great!)
The thing is they are suffering from a lack of culture to draw the like minded folks together. Last night viewers of The Pornography of the Bicycle came one step closer to an active bicycle culture.
30 people crammed themselves into a modest living room in the N St Cohousing. This was the first time we had a public screening in a private residence. It was a little different to be sure. In a big theater anonymity is very possible, even likely, and hecklers (totally encouraged) are unknown voices clamoring for more. But in a small space everyone knows who said what.
The big advantage was being able to take 15 min after the show to answer questions. So many questions. "Why did you do that?" "How do you normally ride on your saddle?" Does that hurt?"
The audience generously donated $75 to our humpalicious efforts. And then a motley crew consisting of a recumbent tricycle, a tallbike, a single speed, a pedal-electric hybrid 2 seater, and the mobile bike church trike rode off on those mean Davis streets.
Thanks guys, now go start up some bike polo league. I got a hankerin for some nice biker on biker violence.
Bike Porn has appeared in many flavors. At the Vine Theater in Los Angeles we are presenting one of my favorite. The wildly popular live action reenactment of the 2006 World Naked Bike Ride. Amanda Truscott will be there recreating her drugged out violent driving binge, we are still casting for the part of "naked victim of drunk-ass road roage." Also included are the naked "bikers" who continuously provide the backdrop for the mayhem.
Even more exciting is that Merry Saddles has agreed to display some of their fine wares. These ornate yet functional pieces may be available for sale to a loving home.
I would steal all her artwork for posting here but really you owe it to yourself to see it live @ the Vine Theater in Hollywood on December 28th.
doors open @ 8:30, show starts @ 9pm
last time I was in LA I broke a vacuum. Things will probably not be any less crazy this time
I suppose it is fair to say that I have tried a few things in my life. When speaking of experience I am generally in favor of walking at least around the block in someone else's shoes.*
I bring this upon myself. I am responsible for this. I asked, nay, pleaded** for more and more bike porn. Of any nature. Regardless of other considerations.
And yet, I cant shake the feeling of unease that comes with this.
Maybe if I was able to warm up first by watching a moped mount a motorcycle then it wouldn't seem so foreign... so taboo.***
It all just goes to show you that we all can take offense now and again. And that it is ok to have boundaries, and that when you find something that is a little... uh, creepy, that only means that we have some pretty fucked up childhood experiences we must work to ignore better.
With that I propose we go to the bar. In Portland, The Vern is still serving pints of Deadguy Ale for $2 every Tuesday. A couple of those really dulls the pain.
------------
*which makes me think that a great pickup line could be, "Nice shoes, wanna walk around the block?"
**More pleading is coming. Get your fresh ideas ready and make me blush.
*** This fan pic sent in by Lora of Seattle: http://picasaweb.google.com/lora.koenig/Bikes It is notable that she made sure the bicycle was topping the motorcycle. Regardless, I hope you all take this opportunity to report her for all that inappropriate content.
I am back from an exciting tour of the Southwest. Thanks to the lovely people of Durango Colorado we enjoyed some movie priemeres, grass bike polo, death defying mt biking, hordes of beer, wine (like 20 cases)... I won the a sweet DFL prize for actually completing the race, and as of yet no one killed dabby... yet. Check some pictures at the Team WRECK blog
I returned home from my travels to find that a Scottish man was caught fucking his bicycle in a hotel room was found guilty and now is a registered sex offender.
This is the kind of news story that forces us to take a step back and ponder the future of bike humping. Do the health benefits of an active bikesexual lifestyle make up for the potential danger and embarrassment of being caught in the act? Imagine having to go around to all the houses in your neighborhood saying, "Hi. I am a sexual predator. I was caught humping a bicycle, so you should probably not leave your pretty young Bianchi laying around on your front yard... for it's safety."
Perhaps we should organize a fundraiser for this poor, misunderstood, oversexed person. He may represent a desire that most of us are too fearful to admit or explore. But what is the appropriate response?
A bicycle kiss-in outside the jailhouse
A series of signed pictures of bikes with genitalia sent to the hotel
A sicker campaign like: "I fuck bikes and I vote" or "Robert Stewart does it between the tubes"
A new nonprofit formed to maintain the right of sentient beings to be able to fuck any inanimate object they desire
Perhaps the best course of action would be to make an instructional brochure with some guidelines to help future Robert Stewarts avoid being caught?
Do not trust a lock that you do not have the only key to.
Consider moving large physical barriers to prevent access.
When a maid asks if anyone is in the room, yell "Go away!"
Perhaps the only truly safe bet is to make it official and marry your bike. Be sure to have paperwork on hand, or stuff it into the seat tube, although you might want to laminate it first.
Which places are appropriate and which are deviant?
You might be familiar with the term “bike porn” — it’s become a sort of slang for photos of gorgeous bikes — but trust me, this is something completely different.
HA! Take that all you old school bike pornographers. Your high detail shot of a 1900s lugged track frame with wood spokes is in yesterday's jizz bucket. (although I'd love a picture of this) Presently there is more "bike porn" out there than I can wade though with a T1 connection and a bucket of tri-flo. Still, I get to imagine the day that I can hire Jonathan away to write all this crapulence for me.
Search for "johathan maus naked" on google. Its fun!
