coming soon to a tiny screen near you

Its a bit of a ongoing battle. We love our audience and we want to give them what they want but really when it comes to this blog, we don't share much. Our concern is that if we started releasing videos:

• A) the unique theater going experience that has been our hallmark would be no more
• B) exposing the performers to the often hilarious but more often annoyingly lame commentary of the internerds as a whole may leave the filmmakers, fluffers and future pornographers with a bad taste in their mouth.
• C) its more work that we dont get paid for

All together that is enough reason to keep our content and our friends identities safe.

But then there is the insistent demand for a taste.

"What is bike porn?" they ask.
"Erotic short bicycle films made by various artists" we say
"But what is bike porn?" they ask again with massive, Disney-like, innocent eyes.
"Its sex and bikes in as many variations as you can probably imagine."
"But..."
Then there is a long pause, a furrowed brow, and an attempt to create a new category in their mind where the synapse had previously not been connected.
"So like people riding bikes naked?"
"Sure"
"Or bikes having sex with bikes?"
"Why not"
"Or people having sex with bikes?"
"If they choose to do so, its really up to the individual."
"Oh... " Then there is some thoughtful nodding of their head and some acceptance of this new information just before the they turn us into the worlds most successful porno producing straight man.
"So what is bike porn?"

Don't get us wrong we love curious minds, but it is with a great deal of relief that we are sometimes able to point to examples rather than try to use descriptive words.

In the summer of 2007 we released The Pornography of the Bicycle
In 20008 we followed it up with, Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitation
So finally we are proud to present to you the trailer for bike porn 3: Cycle bound

...

which will be available starting 10/22/09, this Thursday morning. Why are we making you wait? Because even though we are willing to play the foil doesn't mean we can't do it on our terms.

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its ours!

We found this image on the Chicks and Bikes blog who in turn had found it via the Hong Kong Fixed blog, who we believe stole it directly from Crank My Chain where is was originally produced.

It is some hard work tracking down all the goods. But rewarding.

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reMembering Tucson

It is great to be able to write articles over time. For example when this was 1st written it made sense:

Some of our hosts have requested that we take a moment to remember some of the happenings in the various cities. Seems like the kinda thing that might happen frequently but more likely this will be the only one, so enjoy it fucckos!

Now it seems silly and pointless. Suck is life...

Remembering Tucson aka Chukson

Our friends from the Detritus Network had been scheming to bring rad bike folk to the Southwest for some time. This visit was the impetus for the entire trip and much of the timing of events that have transpired have been due to this.

Fuh-Kin-Rhad is how the native settlers to this area might have described this weekend. It was Dry River's third year of operating a radical resource space. Of course they needed a major party to celebrate. We have only shown both movies on the same visit in 2 other cities (Seattle and SLC, both bike porn meccas in their own right) and nowhere in Arizona, New Mexico or Texas has The Pornography of the Bicycle been screened.

Dry River is also dry, as in no alcoholic beverages are consumed on premises. As some of you might already know this can be challenging for some working though thier various stances on pornography. Nevertheless our troops were able to muster though masterbaterfully.

Both screenings were at capacity, which was exciting to see although neither of them generated much money. This frustrated our hosts and organizers greatly:

"All these kids come drive down from the suburbs in their parents cars and plead poverty. I just want to shake them soundly and yell, 'Ask your mom for $2 you spoiled brat!'

Still it was exciting to see all the overwhelmed faces straining to understand what they had just seen, including a performance by the Whiskey Breath Burslque who in their creative-ly stripping-mocking fashion were the first people we heard using the phrase, "Obama-Nation" only days after he won the November election.

A front runner in "The most uncomfortable moment of the Westward Ho! tour award" goes to a lanky bearded fellow following the screening. A person resembling Brent Barber of the Bicycle Film Festival hounded our pornographers for about an hour. He had many of the same facial expressions and kinda awkward behaviors as Brent. Perhaps a relative?

He was very interested in many of the "secrets" of the bike porn bizness... how many submissions we receive and other such insider info. Could this lead to some sort of cross bike film festival showdown? Conspiracy theorists, please comment below.

Over the course of the weekend we were able to to a radio interview on Free Radio ChukShon with Estaban Caliente.

The bike porn interview starts at 41:30, but the entire program is about bikes and features bike related songs by Tom Waits, Pink Floyd, Public Enemy, Clinetle, Chumbawumba and others. Plus listeners will learn the origin of the name "Tucson" which we found fascinating.

We were able to partake in the All Soul's Procession. 1000s of joyful mourners parade down the street in costumes and face paint, carrying photos or otherwise remembering those souls lost.

Then there was Bicas. Possibly the most amazing bike shop we have visited on this tour. There was an enormous collection of well organized parts with lots of instructional signs to help people learn more about bike repair. A few workers there were overjoyed that we were coming, but many (possibly most?) of the shop folk were specifically avoiding the show at all costs. Nevertheless the ones that did come were very stoked and connected us with some bike polo players, who turned out for some sport two days in a row when they normally would not. We hope that with the half dozen new players who showed up will become regulars to the sport will get connected with the growing international hardcourt polo movement and visit us in PDX sometime.



Thanks to our hosts who showed us the size of the local cactus.

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The final exploitation

The end of a great year for our international bike humpty team, TONIGHT is the final screening of Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitation (as in bicycle exploitation).

If you are not in Vancouver BC you are limited to expressing yourself in pirave, but if you ARE in East Van than you can express yourself in PIRATE!

viva bike pirates

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Porno for (p)AYE! ROW!(s)

That is right we got a full schedule of posi-core bike fun and sexuality!

Thursday
Midnight Mass (please don't dust us)

Friday,
Critical Mass
we wonder if they are still meeting at the Vancouver Art Gallery on the Georgia Street side, let us know in the comments?

The ONLY Bike Porn 2 screening in Vancouver
153 East 10th
8:30 PM
$10 benefits the WNBR and BikeSmut.com

followed by a
Pirate Party!
10-2am Dance party w peep show starring G.G. Bottoms!
DJ Tom Cunningham IV and more
Cheap as free if you are a pirate

Saturday
East Van Bike Polo


Sunday
Seymour Bomb!



Honestly, we should be selling tickets to this kinda stuff. But its free sexy fun on your bike and you can do it anytime you want!

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Bike Piracy in Vancouver

Avast! Sexy bikers right ahead!

Tremendous fortune has shone down upon Bike Porn Industries like the omnipresent light of a benevolent sun god giving massive boners to all the chlorophyll fulled subjects below. The organizers of the Vancouver World Naked Bike Ride have created a massive party to blow out whatever is left of your indulgence obsessed mind.

The final screening of Bikexploitation
& 3rd annual Pirate Party
& Bike Pirate Peep Show starring GG Bottoms

Friday May 29th
undisclosed location after Critical Mass
Big Fun! Cheap if you are a pirate!

Proceeds benefit Bike Porn Industries and Vancouver's World Naked Bike Ride

Stay Tuned for more exciting info!

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More hot canadian action

After successfully dry humping Victoria's seat tube what is there to do but continue on a Canadian adventure from British Columbia's Capitol City to Vancouver!

On Friday, May 29th after Critical Mass
we are collaborating with a friggin Pirate Party (wenches with wrenches) as a fund raiser for Vancouver's World Naked Bike Ride.

Expect it to rain hotness from the sky for weeks to come.


This will likely be they final screening of Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitation.

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Bike Prom in Victoria

The fun on Vancouver Island is packed tighter than the bearings on a Chris King hub.

Bike Prom is this weekend in Victoria, and our jaunty crew of sexy bikers are about to set sail from our homebase of Portland, Cascadia. Check their website for the formal details.

Events include: alley cat, art show, mystery rides, bike polo turny, prom ride, the Bike Rider's Ball, and finally the "Morning After" a special AM screening of Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitation when you least need it. Just to remind you how dirty this glamorous lifestyle is.

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Bikexploitation Music

How do you treat your ride?

During our last tour we were inundated with requests. "Please sell me your sheeet!" they would say. Steadfastly and with the restraint of a god-fearing spinster we declined. We have not sold anything but the cinema experience.

Still, as with any respectable pornographer, the audience's pain is our pain. When they were denied sharing such torrid future-classics like "Smut Pedaler" with their loved ones who could not make it to the screening we were also stricken with grief.

Finally, after much deliberation and consternation it was decided that, yes, we could share something.

Behold: "Sounds of Bikexploitation"

This compact disk holds music that our various producers found/stole/created in conjunction with "Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitation". It is excellent and is totally the music needed to get yourself in the mood to do something extracurricular with your bike.

Already the response from our presale have been astounding:

"Some songs are sweet and tender, the kind of music that feels appropriate for giving your bike a bath, other tracks are violent and may encourage you to treat your bike like the dirty slut it is." - Asshly

"You know that feeling when you slide in a CD into your player and it just gets like sucked in? that is what I am feeling right now." - Terry O'Beil

only $10 (shipping and just the right amount of handling is included)
BikeSmut@gmail.com

Do not delay! order your audiopornocontent today!

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Slow Dancing your Ride

Our 1st official screening in 2009 is coming up this weekend at Victoria's Bike Prom!


Sunday, April 26th
The Morning After: Cure your morning-after woes with black coffee and Victoria's premiere of Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitation. 11am. Location TBA at the Bike Rider's Ball.

It will be a weekend to remember fo sho.

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Home is where you hang your...

I'TS OVER!

The Bikexploitation - Westward Ho! bike porn tour has run its cycle.

Presently the sexy bikers of Eugene are still cleaning themselves up as we carry our broken bikes home to Portland.

We did 22 shows in 21 cities in 7 western states in 60 days.

We distributed 100s of bike porn shirts, shorts, stickers, patches, buttons and undies

We played polo in with crews in ten different cities (sorry Boise, next time).

We have a new appreciation for round wheels

Thanks for all the abundant and latent radness. We are terribly excited to have everyone with us who we are supposed to. We didnt have to deal with police but one single time in Tucson, as shown below.

Thankfully the officer was mostly pleasant and told us if we are gonna have that many bikes on our trunk we should attach the license plate to the outermost toptube (and attach a bike light when traveling at night).

Back in PDX things seem to have not changed much, every night something exciting is about to happen between your legs. Wednesday night polo has moved to Penisula Park. Bundle up and bring discreet adult beverages. We are hoping to release a new Bikexploitation soundtrack at Bike Craft.

Thanks for those who have followed our travels, trials and tribulations. Expect news about other fucking bike festivals and in depth investigations about chafing.

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Oakland Delivers the goods!

Huzza! We have found Bike Porn friendly spaces in Oakland! The Lobot Gallery has stepped up to host us this Saturday night.

Bike Porn 2: Bikexploitaiton
Saturday November 29th
Lobot Gallery
1800 Campbell St

Doors at 7pm
Show at 8pm
Polo at 10pm
$5

Bring yer mallets!

(Apologies to the folks at Your House, who would have been fine hosts)





Here is a sweet printable image you can use to harass your prude friends at work. Thanks to Saltcycle.com, Rock Paper Scissors Collective and Cyclecide for all your help.

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who the fuck forgot to title this shit?

This Friday we ride in our first SF Critical Mass. It began in San Francisco years and 2 months ago, since then this simple monthly ride has given urban bikers around the world a chance to feel safe while riding. Being apart from auto traffic means breathing easy; being on a bike means looking good.

• Black Friday, November 28th
• Herman Plaza - Market @ Embarcadero
• 6pm
  

Later that night we host 100s of sexy bikers, and the premiere of The Loaded Warrior trailer

A post apocalyptic world without gasoline is daunting…
But imagine a world where beer is scarce and only those with most brutal pedal powered machines can attain it…

Meanwhile we are still waiting for our alcohol stimulus package.

After critical mass, come see us at
Roxie Theater
Valencia and 16th
11pm

Thanks to the Bike Coalition, Laughing Squid, Cyclecide, Slouch Cycles


Keep us pumped as we roll up the coast

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Santa Cruz can go fuck bikes

The sleepy town of Santa Cruz has a rather large estate with a bunch of collective minded folk who are hosting the only screening of bike porn between LA and SF

Tuesday, November 25th
Paul Sweet House
3950 paul sweet rd.
santa cruz ca, 95065
7:30pm

Be ready for indoor footdown, jousting, mutant bikes, bike polo, dance party, visual projections of crazy crap... typical.

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Prepare for Santa Cruz

This message of preparation comes from MilzMilz, the Trash Crew member so nice he named himself twice:

You should know that there are lots of bikes for you guys to ride whilst here. you should know that if you by some crazy chance wanted to work on bike of some freaky sort whist you were here we have a grinder and welder on hand. you should know that we will be projecting in a room that fits 100-150 snuggly and i am expecting anywhere from 20-80 people and we are just projecting on a sheet over a window. you should know that i personally really want to play some footdown in that same room afterwards, and if we just move shit out of the way the games can begin. you should know that our property is your playground. you should know that we have jousts, they just happen to be a bit moldy. you should know that for reasons of every sort i havent edited the rest of the slaughterama footage, but when i do it'll be good. you should know that whatever has happened or will happen, life is still good. you should also know that me and kelly have to get out of town on wedensday to get ourselves to san diego to chill with my fam for thanksgivers so we will probibly need to take a bus or catch a ride to san jose around 12 or 1 or so. you should know that we have 82 sweet acres to hike on.
you should bring, you and your friends, you should bring the bike porn movies! if you have last years tucked away somewhere i really want to see those too!!, you should bring chips and salsa, you should bring your hiking shoes. you should bring your wilingness to party. you should bring some ambition to see some of santa cruz, you should bring the energy to stay up all night, you should bring a blunt. you should bring some good stories, you should bring earplugs (perhaps) you should bring the rukus.

P.S. you should bring a 12 pack and some pizza.

CHEERS!

--Millz

--millz

So there's our challenge, for people wanting to observe an indoor footdown post-porn dance party be at the Paul Sweet House Tuesday, November 25th

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From the pit of Hell-A

Just when we had given up on having a screening in Los Angeles, my new favorite Midnight Ridazz Marino steps up to deliver a gem of a location.

Sunday November 23rd
Bholanath Foto Studio & Urban Gallery
6042 Monte Vista St Los Angeles, Ca 90042
Moved to The Bike Oven
3706 North Figueroa St. in Highland Park
Los Angeles, CA 90046
8pm after polo.
If there's enough interest, we'll have another show at 10:30.


View Larger Map

Here is where we think polo is gonna be going down at 2pm on Sunday



Thanks for keeping the fucking bike dream alive:

Ideally our friends Chicken Leather and crew from Kill Radio will join us with some live broadcast action.

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pulverising non fun

Let us have some rad fucking times

Apparently the Baldy Bomb has been moved. Now it is a Sat night camp out and Sunday bomb.

To find us on friday go to the bike shop by the Gold Student Center


View Larger Map
------

much thanks to the Velo Cult for hosting us, and all the polo players of San Diego who pulled it together for some late night action.

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Pitzer College brings home the porn

Unrelated image?

A note to college students trying to convince their academic advisers to pay us to come to your city so that you don't have to (pay us that is).

"Uh, I don't know, it seems cool." Is not gonna cut it. Lucky the folks at Claremont University know what it takes.

"Bikexploitation is a new documentary created by Portland bike activists that explores social themes of exploitation and domination in transportation culture."

Who would dare not support this? Well done Pitzer College students.
Here is the word from our hosts in Claremont:

Friday has become the holy day of bikes at Pitzer, being the day of the sacrament of bike polo and Critical Mass. The ideal schedule under consideration currently is to hold the weekly bike polo game from 3-5 before breaking for dinner. There exists enthusiasm for a naked bike ride from 6-8. This is scheduled to coincide with what we hope will be a special naked bike ride broadcast of poppin' bike tunes from the college radio station. We could strap boomboxes to our backs and synergistically tune in. The bike porn would commence at 8, outside the bike shop.

Pretty sweet. But why stop there? What about naked bike polo?

Whatever we are doing it is happening Friday November, 21st in the sexy burbs southeast of Los Angles.

Now, were are we gonna do this weekend? Midnight Ridazz represent!

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Back to the CaliPornication

Yep we are still delivering the goods in the SW. On our way to California!



Our first stop is in in San Diego!
Wednesday, November 19th
Velo Cult
2220 Fern St
8pm


11/21 Friday we will be at Clairmont
11/2? Saturday or Sunday we are looking for a place in downtown LA.
11/25 Tuesday in Santa Cruz
11/28 Black Friday in San Francisco
11/29 Saturday in Oakland?
12/2 Tuesday in Arcata
12/4 Thursday in Eugene
12/5 Friday in Corvallis?

happy trails

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Rising like Phoenix in the Morning

Avast! Our friends in Phoenix have made a rad flyer!

if you are in Tempe (a tightly defined city surrounded by the endless sprawl of Phoenix) you should investigate the Bike Saviours. Moreover there are more than a few fun things planned for this weekend,

starting with a challenge!


bike polo in Phoenix at 7:30pm on Wednesdays at the Desert Storm park at 16th St. and Colter

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