Berlin Field Report

Check out the sweet hair at the end! If others have suggestions for how we should shave up this guy please leave them in the comments.

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Bike Porn Fights Evil Crime

This guest post written by an anonymous crime fighter:

Thursday Oct 2nd, as the plucky bicycle pornographers set up shop at the Hollywood Theater a lady cried out in despair.

"Help! Help! That guy stole my bicycle! Help!"

Like a drugged cat I sprong into confusion, my eyes wide with excitement as something crazy was happening and i wasn't sure what. Peering across the street we saw Toni Russle, a middle aged, toe-headed beautician running on the north sidewalk of Sandy Blvd screaming and running as fast as she could (not all that fast) after a guy on a blue bicycle (strangely he was also not going very fast)

"Stop him he stole my bike! Help! Stop Him!"

So we got to our bikes and I immediately dropped my keys. Then could not get them in the lock, then dropped them again. That was when I was planning on giving up, but as i turned around to look at their progress it seemed they had only gone about a quarter-block. So after a few more tries i was able to get it. By then my friend had already gotten to his bike and was in pursuit. I followed as best as i could, that is to say I kinda decided I could take my time, besides I thought my friend could handle it.

Sure enough he did. About 10 blocks later the thief had encircled the entire block and was now heading heading west to Sandy blvd. He nonchalantly rode the on the southside sidewalk unaware that (almost) two able bodied crime fighters were in (kinda) hot pursuit. My friend caught up to him and collared him down right in front of the Hollywood Liquor store. "How convenient," we thought. It's like dinner in a bottle and a movie." We do appreciate a nip of whiskey with our evil crime fighting.

We had him pretty well detained. And decided to call the cops to let them deal with the punk kid. "Why did you steal this bicycle?"

"I needed a new bike." he said simply.

I called 911 which takes you to an answering machine that asks you if you meant to call 911. This seems kinda smart, but really it was a little distressing being on hold.

The cops were confused by directions but eventually made it on to the scene. When they do finally show up they sent 3 cars. I felt kinda safer.

Immediately the cop cuffs the thief then as soon as he is done, realizes he has a backpack on and uses his knife to cut the straps. My friend and I both flinch at this, but say nothing.

We return the cops to the Beautician who comes in for the show. She is overwhelmed and because he is some "crazy mixed up kid" at the tender age of 17, she decides not to press charges.

Maybe someone would like to tell us about the value of calling the police vs just beating the snot out of a punk who has only a sliced backpack as a warning of why he should not steal bikes.

Thanks, crime fighting friend. We wonder too.

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Sexual violence among bikes and bikers

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. An awkward time for pornographers. Being on the supply side of sex culture usually feels great! But there is a lot of silence about the other side.

In Pittsburgh we were criticized for our lack of warning regarding the graphic nature of some of the movies.

A debate ensued. We asked them and we'll ask you. What is the proper way to explain to an audience the graphic content they are about to watch? It is far to easy to just say, "Its bike porn. It's about bicycles and pornography" and leave it at that.

The matter is more complicated. Pornography comes in lots of flavors, from vanilla to snuff. So too does our program of sexual bike movies span a wide spectrum. On the more vanilla side you have an audience heckling for sex, and on the other hand you have an audience disturbed by the surreal nature of hardcore bike fucking. So what way should we brace the audience?

Consider that as your are making your films. The deadline is only days away. May 7th. Do it faster, harder, better.

Well April is not over yet. The Portland Women's Crisis Line has just one more event happening this coming week: Confronting Sexual Violence in the Workplace
7pm Liberty Hall, 311 N Ivy

We hope to be there. Maybe some other "industry" types will also benefit from learning what employers and unions can do to prevent it the wrong kind of sexual violence.

The difference between appropriate positive sexual reinforcement for your bike,
and scary discomfort is not always easy.

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SLC gives up the goods

The ubombers at SaltCycle.com made a video of the Bike Porn weekend in Salt Lake City.

The first half is pictures from the Minibike Escola, where adults prevent kids from using their playground for hours. We personally asked a little girl to be escorted off the park by Officer Tallbike (also pictured).

It also shows the warehouse where 150 sexy bikers showed up for the screening. As well as the gold sprints, which dominated the rest of the night.




Salt Lake City must have been well primed for the bike love, we already have had 2 promises of bikexploitation videos made from them! Get your submissions in soon.

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bulging demonstration

on stage in NYC with a package of sexy info to deliver

thanks to full time documentarian (and part time cell phone photographer), Steev Hise who has been fighting a media war of his own with "On The Edge: The Femicide in Ciudad Juárez"

we are still looking for a venue in DC. Keep your genitals crossed!

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Yoni BikeXploitation

You know how they say 'you hurt the ones you love'? It works the same with bikes. I don't all think bikers are *necessarily* masochists, although what do you call people who push their bodies for 18 hours at a time for fun?

This video is not about strenuous exercise, but it is about putting ourselves in an uncomfortable position and receiving an unexpected benefit.





Every week we are gonna have some more hot content of people speaking to their own personal experience with bicycle sexuality. Next week, DoucheMaster0 has his first bicycle euphoria in a New Your City Critical Mass

Thanks to Crank My Chain for technical assistance, and all the horny bikers on the Midnight Mystery Ride

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Bike Porn II : BIKEXPLOITATION

Citizens of Bike Pornia, behold and submit to your new theme of human powered erotica:

Bike Porn II: BIKEXPLOITATION
Those interested in submitting a movie for our 2008 program must:

• send an email to revphil@gmail.com
• use mini-DV tape or better
• shoot in 9x16 aspect ratio
• make it 7 minuets or less
• know copyright-free music is better
• submit by April 15th, 2008

Here is a steamy, yet safe for work promo!


The same video on YouTube


Thanks to Crank My Chain! CycleTV, and the consulting adults of the anniversary Midnight Mystery Ride

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what do you let inside?

We giveth and we taketh.

So to, does bike porn.

It Giveth and It Taketh.


During a bitterly cold Wednesday polo game i sheared a seat bolt off with my ass. I was playing on a road conversion fixed gear that was too big for me. The score was tied 4-4, Beer Point. Should I stop playing because i might likely tear my wool pants, and then some?




I played on. After what seems like an impossibly long stint our team finally scored the last point and I could relax a little. But not much. I had still broken Brian's bike, and I was kinda not sober and I was about to use power tools.











A funny thing pride. It kept me from resigning from the game, not because I didn't want to loose, but because who would I be if I folded under the fear of my ass being interrogated by a seatpost? After all I have asked from my producers, I would be ashamed.


Still as far as bike parts go, that seat post is mighty assertive.

The top tube was much more gentle.



NOW FOR SOME DIFFERENTLY OVERT SEXUAL BICYCLE CONTENT

The Seattle/Vancouver Trip was grand

Our bus broke down in Seattle upon arriving at the Church of the Bicycle Jesus. As planed we went out drinking with the Deadbabies. Terry beat the starter and got the bus running and, as planned, we left Seattle at 3am. Border guards made us turn it off, so we had to push it across the boarder. Inside the station Josh was accused of a variety of crimes (DUI, Assault, various gun and drug charges) and was told, "We swabbed your passport and it tested positive for ecstasy". Eventually they came to realize that10-15 year old charges are unlikely to have been committed by someone only 19.

Tom Rolf was able to find the starter by finding the dent Terry had made beating it. He followed suit with his u-lock and the bus started again.

The Bikes Inside party was great! Our hosts were amazing. We played bike polo inside a parking garage, had a fun fashion show, bands, a "Rad has got nothing on us" bike dance/derby. Later we jumped naked into the water at Jericho Beach. Refreshing.

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sobrity, as a metaphor for "suck"

Since the end of the tour I have stopped drinking, which has let me come to understand a little something about myself. I really miss alcohol! I use it for all sorts of things: drinking, partying with, talking about, putting into flasks, pouring down throats, lubricating the screws, tying one on, and possibly most importantly providing for my kruktankerous family, the Lushes of the Pacific Northwest.

Why would a person surrounded by booze, whom takes time to regularly speak of its natural benefits, ever stop? Perspective. By stepping back from the edge we are given temporary clairvoyance of the big (and not quite as fuzzy) picture. Plus it gives me reason to experiment with other intoxicants. Moreover when I do start drinking again, look out, cause my tolerance will have slipped back to the human level. Meaning I can go to a bar and easily get trashed. No more sneaking a beer bong into the bathroom, no more trips to the corner market between games of fooseball, no more drinking before I go out drinking. Well, some habits are hard to break, so I'll probably still be a cheap ass.

This is especially important because I am about to embark on another almost annual ritual of mine: joining Seattle's Dead Babies in their first Friday club ride. Tragedy has befallen my northern friends since I have last enjoyed their company. Kevin Carter, Devlin Williams, and Phillip Hollins, Three bikers who all did time delivering for Fleetfoot are expected to have died in an avalanche this winter. I'll not take a sip until i can do so with my friends and express my regret.

To those we can no longer drink with.


I wish I could kidnap them all and sneak them accross the border to Vancouver BC where the bike kids are hosting a Bikes Inside party! That's right this Saturday, Feb 2nd bring your bike and ride around, indoors! It's kinda like being outside, only not as cold, dark,wet, or depressing. That is what we have Mini Bike Winter for. To crush spirits like empty cans under your heel, Seattle style.

Man I need a drink.

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Out of the Living Room on to the Streets

What ho! Davis has all the infrastructure to make any city jealous (except some form of mass transit that connects with an elevator that takes one to the top of a hill in an old growth forest just outside an urban center... but other than that its great!)

The thing is they are suffering from a lack of culture to draw the like minded folks together. Last night viewers of The Pornography of the Bicycle came one step closer to an active bicycle culture.

30 people crammed themselves into a modest living room in the N St Cohousing. This was the first time we had a public screening in a private residence. It was a little different to be sure. In a big theater anonymity is very possible, even likely, and hecklers (totally encouraged) are unknown voices clamoring for more. But in a small space everyone knows who said what.

The big advantage was being able to take 15 min after the show to answer questions. So many questions. "Why did you do that?" "How do you normally ride on your saddle?" Does that hurt?"

The audience generously donated $75 to our humpalicious efforts. And then a motley crew consisting of a recumbent tricycle, a tallbike, a single speed, a pedal-electric hybrid 2 seater, and the mobile bike church trike rode off on those mean Davis streets.

Thanks guys, now go start up some bike polo league. I got a hankerin for some nice biker on biker violence.


TONIGHT! BIKE PORN @ THE ROXIE!
@ 7 and 9:30 pm
with gifts from Last Gasp and Good Vibrations

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Bring Porn Home

Tonight, Jan 2nd we are having the 1st ever public screening of The Pornography of the Bicycle in a private residence.

Our friend Pasture Ted has arranged for a nice spacious domicile at 732 N Street in the Platinum Bike City of Davis, CA. I'm looking forward to seeing 1st hand how much better it is than biking in Portland. I hear their cops still give out lights to bikers without them, so maybe i will get lucky.

Regardless this is a unique opportunity to experience these programs in a very intimate setting. Maybe I will talk for a bit afterward, or maybe I will get run out of town.

Thursday, January 3rd we screen our bike porn in San Francisco at the Roxie. Everyone's eyes light up when i say that so the theater must be pretty good.

We also got some sweet gifts from our friends at Good Vibrations. A book on masturbation a couple cockrings and more!

I want to thank Cyclecide for hosting the best NYE party I've been to in a while. Good people, good performances and no cover! I love me some free fun!

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One down, and still 3 to go?

We had a fun night sharing our unique material, or more accurately, we looked at sexy biker's tits and cocks and were happy. With the encouragement of Sarah from Babeland we hosted a Sex Positive Game Show, which included a brutally competitive 10 second orgasm contest. We did the WNBR Reenactment with our Naked Justice Players:

• Fuzz Beast portrayed Off Duty officer (naked biker assaulter) Chad Stensgaard
• Shawn Furst as the Coked-out pissed-off SUV driving debutant, Amanda Truscott
• A hairy Franz played the naked and vulnerable road user, Rev. Phil Sano

Although the show's attendance was under my expectations, the two hundred screaming bikers seemed to enjoy themselves.

Thanks to the sponsors (including the generous guy who give up some 2008 Sprockettes calendars) our raffle made $200 for the Bike Oven. (btw it is amazing to see how much they have grown in only a year.)


More exciting news: Bike Porn has a new sponsor. Our smutty underground friends over at Last Gasp Publishing have agreed to provide some of their finest goods for our San Francisco audience.

Now we are on our way to spooge over Davis, San Francisco and Cottage Grove.

That's right I said Davis (as in the town outside Sacramento). Pasture Ted has requested a screening for the other most bike friendly city in the United States. Who am I to turn down another man of the cloth... although I'm guessing mine is a little more crusty.

I'll be on their VELOlution radio show this Monday Jan 31st @ 5:15pm Listen to KDVS radio live by clicking here

I hope I can follow their dogma:

Bike Church Ten Commandments

1. Thou shalt not throw away a bike
   

2. Thou shalt not use a bike's name in vain
   

3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's bike
   

4. Thou shalt not use an internal combustion engine when it is not necessary
   

5. Honor thy tricycle, thy bicycle & thy unicycle
   

6. Take the oil of the earth and anoint thy bike
   

7. Love thy bike as thy self
   

8. Thou shalt not worship other idols (cars)
   

9. Attend church regularly and ride the last friday of every month in Critical Mass
   

10. Metal recycling will be the only means of reincarnation
    

11. Thou shalt leave the church as nice or nicer than it was found

Er... Maybe I will get to ask them about their creative mathematical skills.

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Bike Porn @ the Vine

Its happening tonight in Los Angeles...

December 28th
8:30 pm @ The Vine Theater
6321 Hollywood Boulevard (@ Vine)

We have a game show, raffle with sweet prizes, a reenactment of the 2006 WNBR and that is all before the screening!

thanks to everyone who made this possible.

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Countdown to Calipornification

I have abandoned my Portland bike mecca to take up arms (and legs) in the heart of car culture. Los Angeles! A fierce combination of cyclists are assisting me with the Bike Calipornification Tour.

We are hitting all the biggest, baddest, cycle-horniest places south of Portland on this tour: LA, SF, and CG*

One of the most exciting part for me is getting to meet some of the people who submitted videos. Both Paul de Carcass of the SFVISBF and Colin Arlen of Macaframa who co produced the San Francisco Track Bike video will get to see the entire program for the first time.

We are very thankful for our supporters who remind us that our bodies and our bikes need lots of love.

A variety of sponsors is helping to make this evening even more special... that is to say there is some cool stuff you might get just for showing up:

• A display of too sexy bicycles, Merry Saddles is strutting its stuff.
  
• One of the longest running, women operated sex stores in the country Good Vibrations is helping us shake it up in San Francisco.
  
• Ashira of Red Riding Hood Productions has some hats.
  
• Liz and Shay of C.I.C.L.E. are providing tshirts
  
• Babeland has recently opened a new store in LA and is pulling out all the stops!
  

UPDATE: OH CRAP! I ALMOST FORGOT

• Orange 20 bikes will support the cause with some of their fine wares
• Jen Diamond has stepped up to provide one of her handmade Jerseys

screenings in Santa Cruz? Dubious. In Davis, CA? Likely! Bike Porn Radio interview New Years Day @ 5:15 PM with Pastor Ted.

*CG... as in Cottage Grove, Oregon. Duh.

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more than just videos

Bike Porn has appeared in many flavors. At the Vine Theater in Los Angeles we are presenting one of my favorite. The wildly popular live action reenactment of the 2006 World Naked Bike Ride. Amanda Truscott will be there recreating her drugged out violent driving binge, we are still casting for the part of "naked victim of drunk-ass road roage." Also included are the naked "bikers" who continuously provide the backdrop for the mayhem.


Even more exciting is that Merry Saddles has agreed to display some of their fine wares. These ornate yet functional pieces may be available for sale to a loving home.

I would steal all her artwork for posting here but really you owe it to yourself to see it live @ the Vine Theater in Hollywood on December 28th.


doors open @ 8:30,
show starts @ 9pm

last time I was in LA I broke a vacuum. Things will probably not be any less crazy this time

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Calipornificaion Tour: disfrute bici pornografía

Scheduling shows has been challenging. Even though I gave myself more than 2 months of lead time it seems that there is never enough preparation. Just this week a stunning blow came when I learned the venue I had hoped to use in SF could not fit in with our travel schedule, by one day!

oh the suffering.

That is why it feels so very good to have verbal confirmation of The Vine Theater in LA. We are still in negotiations but expect the screening to be on Friday, December 28th.

There are so many cool people in LA. If I had not gone there for Bikesummer I might not even believe how great they are.

Thanks to C.I.C.L.E. and Ashira for their support!

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mixing modes

I suppose it is fair to say that I have tried a few things in my life. When speaking of experience I am generally in favor of walking at least around the block in someone else's shoes.*

I bring this upon myself. I am responsible for this. I asked, nay, pleaded** for more and more bike porn. Of any nature. Regardless of other considerations.

And yet, I cant shake the feeling of unease that comes with this.

Maybe if I was able to warm up first by watching a moped mount a motorcycle then it wouldn't seem so foreign... so taboo.***

It all just goes to show you that we all can take offense now and again. And that it is ok to have boundaries, and that when you find something that is a little... uh, creepy, that only means that we have some pretty fucked up childhood experiences we must work to ignore better.

With that I propose we go to the bar. In Portland, The Vern is still serving pints of Deadguy Ale for $2 every Tuesday. A couple of those really dulls the pain.

------------

*which makes me think that a great pickup line could be, "Nice shoes, wanna walk around the block?"

**More pleading is coming. Get your fresh ideas ready and make me blush.

*** This fan pic sent in by Lora of Seattle: http://picasaweb.google.com/lora.koenig/Bikes It is notable that she made sure the bicycle was topping the motorcycle. Regardless, I hope you all take this opportunity to report her for all that inappropriate content.

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Domain Squatting my porn, wtf?

I want to own bikeporn.com, alas it is already taken.

Well I'm sure it is being put to good use. Let's check in with them to see what is up: "No web site is configured at this address."

Thanks, Ilan C. Paltrow of Charlotte, NC! Your contribution to the internerds is woefully under appreciated.

But what about some other URLs? like bikeporn.net? Coincidentally the Domain Squatter lives in my hometown (barely). Colin Mannex of 8315 sw 67th place Portland (aka Tigard), Oregon has nothing but annoying ads on his page.

Lee Levitt of Needham MA kinda sums up my feelings on the matter with his website Bikeporn.org: "Bike Porn..."

cause really what more is there to say?

---------

Wired Magazine gave some advice on how do deal with Domain Squatters. One method is to buy up every possible misspelling of your website.

http://www.selfseo.com/domain_typo_generator.php gives us:

Wrong key typos
* vike porn.
* nike porn. -------------->
* hike porn.
* gike porn.
* buke porn.
* bjke porn.
* bkke porn.
* boke porn.
* b9ke porn.
* b8ke porn.
* bije porn.
* bime porn.
* bile porn. (below)
* bioe porn.
* biie porn.
* bikw porn.
* biks porn.
* bikd porn.
* bikr porn.
* bik4 porn.
* bik3 porn.
* bike oorn.
* bike lorn.
* bike -orn.
* bike 0orn.
* bike pirn.
* bike pkrn.
* bike plrn.
* bike pprn.
* bike p0rn.
* bike p9rn.
* bike poen.
* bike podn.
* bike pofn.
* bike potn.
* bike po5n.
* bike po4n.
* bike porb.
* bike porm.
* bike porj.
* bike porh.


My confidence in the stupidity of the internet and all who dwell here is reaffirmed! If you want to be a millionare "bileporn.anything" are still available. Buy them all now!

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Leave it to the professionals

I am back from an exciting tour of the Southwest. Thanks to the lovely people of Durango Colorado we enjoyed some movie priemeres, grass bike polo, death defying mt biking, hordes of beer, wine (like 20 cases)... I won the a sweet DFL prize for actually completing the race, and as of yet no one killed dabby... yet. Check some pictures at the Team WRECK blog

I returned home from my travels to find that a Scottish man was caught fucking his bicycle in a hotel room was found guilty and now is a registered sex offender.

This is the kind of news story that forces us to take a step back and ponder the future of bike humping.

Do the health benefits of an active bikesexual lifestyle make up for the potential danger and embarrassment of being caught in the act? Imagine having to go around to all the houses in your neighborhood saying, "Hi. I am a sexual predator. I was caught humping a bicycle, so you should probably not leave your pretty young Bianchi laying around on your front yard... for it's safety."

Perhaps we should organize a fundraiser for this poor, misunderstood, oversexed person. He may represent a desire that most of us are too fearful to admit or explore. But what is the appropriate response?

• A bicycle kiss-in outside the jailhouse
• A series of signed pictures of bikes with genitalia sent to the hotel
• A sicker campaign like: "I fuck bikes and I vote" or "Robert Stewart does it between the tubes"
• A new nonprofit formed to maintain the right of sentient beings to be able to fuck any inanimate object they desire

Perhaps the best course of action would be to make an instructional brochure with some guidelines to help future Robert Stewarts avoid being caught?

• Do not trust a lock that you do not have the only key to.
• Consider moving large physical barriers to prevent access.
• When a maid asks if anyone is in the room, yell "Go away!"

Perhaps the only truly safe bet is to make it official and marry your bike. Be sure to have paperwork on hand, or stuff it into the seat tube, although you might want to laminate it first.


Which places are appropriate and which are deviant?

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California, we are coming for you!

Who Put the Porn in California?

You did! Just like with Ed McMahon's sweepstakes you may already be a winner of bike porn at a theater near you.

At the moment our offices are working overtime to schedule a California tour of The Pornography of the Bicycle. Do you know venue that should to host it?

Ask yourself these questions:

• Do you envision yourself flying down a hill, carving up scenery?
• Do you feel attacked by others due to your "perverted" biking behavior?
• Do you yearn to hold a smooth, tapered steel seat tube?
• Do you wake up with a hole in your heart the size of a bottom bracket?

Than you are an ideal candidate to help make Bike Porn a reality in California.

The tour spans 2 weeks from approx December 23rd to Jan 6th

Do you have what it takes? email our offices today!

revphil [at] gmail [dawt] com

If you are still not convinced try watching our trailer for the last Bike Porn Tour

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